As I’m sure you know from all of the commercials on TV for chocolate covered fruit, reasonably priced flowers and giant teddy bears: tomorrow is the ever controversial Valentine’s Day.
Everyone seems to have strong feelings about the holiday, ranging from excitement to dread. Have you ever noticed though, that it’s almost trendy to hate Valentine’s Day? Like if you actually enjoy the holiday and have a little fun, you will automatically gain entry into the pits of Hell and burn for all of eternity? This group of Valentine’s Day fun-suckers like to crap on the cutesy cards, heart-shaped candies and overall mushiness of the holiday. I for one, think these people suck. I’ve compiled a list of common things these a-holes usually say.
1. Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday made up by Hallmark and other companies who want to suck money from me.
2. Why should I buy my significant other something just because some idiot decided I should?
3. Oh great. Valentine’s Day, another reminder that I’m alone.
4. [Insert other pissy-I-hate-my-life-so-you-should-hate-yours-too type comment.]
To these people I say whyyyyyy, why must you be annoying and awful? Yes, it is a made-up holiday. A made-up holiday intended for people to celebrate HAPPINESS and LOVE. Good things, in case you forgot what those were in your little bubble of snarkiness. If you don’t have a significant other, meet up with some friends and drink empty calories all night in the form of cheap wine. Watch a couple terrible romantic comedies or be ironic and watch some horror flicks. Whatever you do, just don’t be the guy that complains about a holiday that is all about candy, flowers, stuffed animals and everything else that’s good in life.
I’ve also been so kind as to compile a list of why these people suck/are generally wrong about everything.
1. You’re ruining a holiday that involves me getting candy. Lots of delicious candy. I don’t like that. If I wanted someone to take treats that are rightfully mine, I would go back in time and revisit any of my birthday parties that my older brother attended.
2. Just because it’s made-up doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. I’m looking at you, Santa, and your pal Easter Bunny.
3. Stuffed animals that sing are just cute. Period.
4. Guys: Are you really complaining about a holiday that drives up lingerie sales?
5. Girls: Are you really complaining about a holiday that potentially gives you presents AND a night off from cooking/kids/cleaning/other boring things?
If you need any more reasons, there is no help for you. I bet you don’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day either, do you? I can hear it now… “Most of the people who celebrate aren’t even Irish!” Sigh.
So go celebrate with that special someone and a giant box of chocolate. Or don’t. Just don’t drag everyone else down into your misery pit with you.